The Ultimate Mastermind

As pain sets in, darkness engulfs your once festive spirit.

Your ability to smile through the pain, becomes your new ultimate reality.

The day in and day out fight that ultimately consumes every last inch of the person you once were.

You tell yourself just keep pushing, just keep fighting, keep moving forward.

Yet you know that each day becomes more difficult than the last.

Failure sets in, it overwhelms you at any given time, without notice, knocking you to your feet.

Making you wish that you were just something more than what you appear to be to everyone you love around you.

Crippling everything inside of you, clenching to somewhat of a normal life.

That normal life that you dreamed of, robbed!

That life you wish you had all your life, robbed!

Precious moments stolen, like time speeding so fast, yet you can't actually see it, oh but you feel it.

You simply feel it and it feels so fast, overwhelming, like everything around you is spinning out of control and you can't even grasp it, not even hold on to it just a little bit.

Everyone around you, you feel as though you are a burden too.

As they aren't going through the same anguish you deal with on the daily.

You trudge along the best you can, and then it begins - leaving you out of their day to day to minimize your suffering. Not realizing that it only causes you to suffer even more.

The once social butterfly, now an outcast because peopling is just too much stimulation for you to grasp.

The comments of how you look rude or a bitch, this or that all without even knowing what you go up against each day, fighting with everything you have in you to simply exist. Simply being or appearing as if everything is okay enough to endure any activity set for the day in front of you.

You fight the aches, the pain, the burning, the stabbing, the blinding pain that lights and sun cause you.

You fight the shaking tremors that hit out of nowhere, the vomiting, the gagging and horrible sensitivity to smells. The fact that any smell or sound at any given time can trigger a flare that you have no control over.

You're trying hard to control the beast within you that causes the daily fighting pain.

Cause surely if they could just see what you physically and emotionally have to go through daily.

You wish that people would have more compassion, patience and understanding, oh and the knowledge to be informed before speaking on an illness they know nothing about.

That time waits for no-one, and you can fight every single day of your life, each day becoming something new for you not knowing what you are going to be met with to face alone.

Trying your best that you can muster so no one can see just how much you are truly suffering.

Truly fighting demons that no one wishes to see because it's not all visible to the naked eye, so it's all questioned. Is it real? Is she faking it?

You look past it all and you will see, the lost woman that wanted a life so out of her reach now, standing there lost, lonely and wanting nothing more than a normal pain free life.

Normalcy.

Pain, the Ultimate Mastermind, the ultimate life changer.

Pain so debilitating it causes you to skip out on so much because you don't want to pay for it later and for days at a time.

Yet, life moves on and waits for no one, so you push and push yourself to the brink of collapsing.

When you collapse, there is no one there to break your fall.

You're lying there helpless, afraid to seek help for there is more that will come with each visit.

Other than the Ultimate Mastermind of pain waiting to pounce, attacking any new and familiar territories you thought you've mastered. You thought you had beat.

Claiming everything as if your body is no longer your own yet owned completely by your illnesses.

You are simply at its mercy, grasping as hard as you can to hold strong to who you once were before the illnesses consumed you.

Each passing day you become less and less of who you once were, till one day you glance in the mirror, and you have no idea who is staring back at you.

You struggle with basic connections, because you never feel that you are ever good enough for anyone.

You will never be the best mom, sister, aunt, daughter, wife, cousin, friend to anyone because you can never ever give anyone your full self.

You are not yours to give, pain has consumed you. That's all you know, it's now in control and all your aspirations, goals and achievements, mean nothing.

The Ultimate Mastermind.

Wins.